The Onion continues to demonstrate that comedy and satire can be more powerful than actual “news” organizations. See for yourself: www.theonion.com/…
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
You see, I’m just a humble lightweight, magazine-fed semi-automatic rifle; I never expected this kind of outpouring of affection. But time and time again, you’ve shown me how much I matter to you. To see so many people—people who could be working to protect and care for human lives—actively devoting their time and energy to making sure I’m the one who’s protected and cared for instead—it’s beyond touching.
And here’s the thing: It’s not just one life that I’m considered more valuable than. And it’s not 10 lives, either. It’s not even 49 lives. It’s many, many hundreds of lives! Including children’s! Each day that I’m here and they’re not is another affirmation that you consider me more valuable, more sacred, more inviolable than all of them. Frankly, I’m not even sure what I’ve done to deserve such incredible treatment.
Now, I don’t want to jinx anything, but considering how consistently you’ve favored me over the lives of your fellow Americans—for example, in July 2012, in December 2012, in December 2015, and on and on—I can’t imagine you’ll be altering your priorities anytime soon. So I just want to reiterate how truly grateful I am to the millions of you out there who regularly jump into action at the merest suggestion that any human life might be more valuable than I am, and who stand up proudly and say, “No, this particular device is far, far more important than someone’s child, than someone’s spouse, than someone’s parent.”
And after last weekend, I know I can count on you to do the same again.
One has to wonder if the NRA and their buddies in Congress hasn’t heard these voices in their heads from actual AR-15s. I’m only half-kidding when I say that.